Here's the deal about me

If anyone may even think that getting married isn't responsible because I'm young, let me explain something to you.

Just in 2013 I lived away from home in a city I hated, my parents got divorced, I was sued for something completely ridiculous, I got engaged, my Father passed away, and I booked a wedding date for 4 months from now, which everyone says is an impossible amount of time to plan a wedding in.

I've been through literally everything. Substance abusing parent? Yeah, it's most likely what my Dad died from. Divorced parents AND a deceased one? Within months from each other. Being sued at age 20? Yep.

And guess what? I'm so incredibly excited for my wedding. I deserve this so much. For everything I've dealt with, I deserve a husband to take care of me.

Regarding denial and it's effects, and a word of love for my Father

Why denial is so harmful, a word of caution.

I’ve lived with my Dad my entire life. My mom has lived with him for the past 25 years. We’ve seen it all. We’ve seen the overdoses, the accidents, everything. We’ve prepared for his passing for years. My Dad’s family however, his parents and sisters, have been in utter denial about his problems. When asked to help in getting him to rehab, they ignored us. When my Mom pleaded with them to go visit him and check on him, urging them that he shouldn’t be living alone, they refused.

Now my Dad has passed on. And it’s taken me less than 3 days to accept that. Like I said, I’ve been preparing forever. But the people who were so unwilling to help, because they believed that their own problems were much greater? They are devastated. How did this happen? In shock. Utter disbelief. And we’ve been telling them all along.

I mean, I’m grateful to my Dad. If he had to die this early, then at least he prepared me well. I made my peace with him. He knows that I love him. If he didn’t know when he died, then he knows after me asking God several times to tell him.

When people say that they have a problem, or when others say that someone has a problem, believe it. Don’t ignore it because it’s too difficult to think about. Don’t ignore it because you don’t think it matters. It may save their lives, and it may save yours from being in crippling disbelief when something inevitable happens.

I love you so much Dad. You’ve done a lot of stuff that I had a hard time with, but your heart was always in the right place. Even if it took a divorce to get you to come to terms with some things, I’m so grateful that you did. In my mind, making that peace was what allowed you to move on.

I’m so sorry that you couldn’t be at my wedding in person. But I know you’ll still be there. Max did really want to ask you for my hand, things just got in the way. But I know that you loved him like your own son, and that you would have done anything for us to be happy and taken care of. And you did. We’re going to be able to afford the most beautiful wedding ever.

I struggled for a long time with meaning the words “I love you". And now I wish that you could hear them a million more times. I really really do love you. Thank you for becoming the Father I always wanted, even if it was only for a few months.

 -Holly

Regarding the dreams I have most often

My dreams have become increasingly disturbing to me. Because they have been continuous for years. I don't put a lot of stock into dream meanings, but when you've had the same kinds of dreams for essentially your whole life, I'm starting to wonder about my subconscious.

The first kind involves missing something important. Either by oversleeping, or just forgetting about it entirely until the next day, or until it's too late to do anything about it. And then I'm just really upset at myself and try everything to get where I'm supposed to go and I can't no matter what. A lot of times I miss Halloween for some reason. Other times I've missed a vacation that was planned, or my birthday. I have a feeling I'm going to start having dreams about missing my own wedding.

The second kind is a lot more disturbing. It involves some global tragedy happening where the fate of the world is at stake. Like aliens invading, or a giant monster, or any other number of terrifying things. And instead of being awesome and helping the world, I essentially just hide and pray continually that I will live, bargaining with God for my life.

I'm sure the first one has to do with my intense fear of disappointment. Of being excited for anything on a small or large scale and then having it not work out. I'm a control freak. Things out of my control that involve my own life make me incredibly anxious and nervous. I fixate on them.

The second I can only guess has to do with the fact that although I have a very large amount of faith in the church and the Plan of Salvation, I don't want to die. I'm really afraid of death. Because life is supposed to be a test, that determines eternity. And so far I've failed in a myriad of ways. And the idea that I could die at any given time, fully in my sins with no chance of truly repenting, is just something that I can't think about without losing my mind. And now that I have Max, all I want is to be with him for all eternity. And I want to work towards that goal so badly, and we are trying, but there's a lot that I've done seriously wrong.
I guess my subconscious is just giving me a friendly reminder of everything wrong with me.

And on that note, maybe that's why I put so much stock into making things perfect. Into meticulously fixing old college work that everyone else has thrown away, into making my journals beautiful by fixing any mistake with white-out. Maybe it's because it's something I can control. Maybe because I pretend that I'll live forever and have these fond memories to look back on at any given moment. Fond memories of something I did that was perfect. Unlike the rest of my life.

But the saddest part is, even when I put hours of my time into fixing these things, they're never good enough for me.