Everything I dislike about LDS boys can be summarized in three experiences

1. In the LDS culture, young men and young women are discouraged from dating until they are 16. I met a boy in Seminary when I was 15, and he would hold my hand, go to dances with me, and kiss me everyday before he left. Then one day, he decided that he liked another girl, and had no idea why I was so upset when he wasn't acting the same way to me. He said "Why are you upset? We weren't dating!" And then on April 1st he told me, "I love you. April Fools!"
2. I was friends with a boy. I hardly knew him at all. He asked me to Mormon Prom by coming to my house in the middle of the night and leaving a DVD on the porch with a recording of him playing his guitar and asking me to Mormon Prom. Then when I said no because I was dating someone else, he was angry for me "leading him on".
3. I was actually legitimately dating this guy. He was two years older than me, and had an addiction that prevented him from going on his mission. We went bowling with our choir. I had a tank top on with a sweater over it. It was very hot, and I took my sweater off. He responded with "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" And demanded that I put my sweater back on, because I had exposed my shoulders.

Needless to say, I'm a little bit turned off.

Regarding the deepest desires of my soul and how I would waste away watching the Mirror of Erised

It's a very dangerous thing to put the deepest desires of your heart on someone else's shoulders. When what you want is attainable by you alone, life is a lot less disappointing. And the worst part is when you have no control over what the deepest desires of your heart are, and they happen to be entirely up to someone else to fulfil. And literally all that you can do about anything is just sit there and wait.

I hate not being in control of things that directly affect me.

Regarding Sundays and the like

Growing up, I think I got a really bad impression of what "keeping the Sabbath day Holy" meant, and because of it I started to hate Sunday because it was boring. I felt like the only things I was allowed to do were go to church, read scriptures, watch conference, and sit quietly. And then I grew up, and realized that all these members of my same church spent time with their friends, went to the beach to have picnics, and genuinely enjoyed the Sabbath.

I guess it was because of my family, which has greatly influenced the way I feel about the gospel, and the decisions that I have made in my life. My Mother was always very active, and my Father was not active, and not a good person at all. He was not the example of the Priesthood that my Mother expected him to be. I didn't really have an opinion, I had nothing to compare him to, other than the fact that other kids I went to church with were happy and loved their families, and I didn't.

Dealing with that dichotomy of interests, I ended up this way. I have a strong and unshakeable testimony that the gospel is true, and I am willfully disobeying it. I guess I really did turn out like my Father. And in a lot of ways, that's so much harder to deal with than being inactive because you don't believe in the church or care about it. I've basically lived torturing myself for years. 

And my prime example would be Max. I don't believe in only dating members of the church, because I've never had any good experiences with them, and we just aren't compatible. I've often felt that I am too Mormon for non-Mormons, but too "rebellious" for the Mormons. And my soulmate was found in the form of a non-member who had my same moral values, but no strong religious beliefs. And then he joined the church. And honestly, what could I expect from the way that I am but to turn him off to it and become inactive myself?

I talked about this a couple weeks ago, that I have so much faith in him that he, and I, will both get there. At the beginning of the year he didn't want to get married until he finished school, and yet after one night of talking about it he changed his mind. God has worked wonders in that man, and I know that He will work so many more. I've felt it so many times, and I've seen it in his change of heart towards the church, and now towards marriage while he's still in school. Last year he couldn't even date me because school was too demanding.

But regardless of what my previous opinions are about Sunday, I have always viewed them as a new start. If I've failed my goals, or done things that I've felt bad about, Sunday always comes with another chance to live one week clean and good. And that's definitely something that I want to start in my new home with Max. I want to make goals for the week, for us personally, career/ school wise, spiritually and as a couple.

So, my goals for this week:

Personal: Go through my school stuff from the past year and assemble it nicely. Also catch up on my journal.

Work: Learn about small animal care before going into work on Tuesday, so I at least know basic care facts for the animals I'm in charge of.

Financial: Don't spend money on anything unnecessary, sell a textbook, pay tithing.

Spiritually: Read scriptures and pray everyday.

Physical: Exercise with the cardio videos everyday this week, and go on a few walks. Eat more vegetables, and drink water.

With Max: Don't bug him about getting engaged.

I think they're pretty reasonable. :)

H.B.

An old post that I found, that I think bears a lot of significance to my previous life in LB. Originally written on Tumblr April 25, 2013.

It's time for a story.

I just really need to do this, okay?
So, since moving to Long Beach, I have been in hell. More or less, my life has never been worse. I live in a nice apartment. Granted, it better be nice for how effing much I pay for it. So. It’s been 10 months. I will be here for a little more than 2 weeks.

All this time I have cleaned and bought cleaning products, and kept this place perfect. And then my roommate decides to let his girlfriend live here. And that’s even okay, even her breaking my dishes and leaving weird crap everywhere, is okay. But they have a dog. The dog used to live with her, now it’s here. Let’s be clear here. I do not like dogs in my home. There is fur everywhere. The apartment smells disgusting. Did I say it was okay to have an animal in my apartment, who gets so much fur on the couches that I can’t sit on them? I can’t even leave my room because the living room where the dog is 24/7 is just. not okay.

So fine. It’s ending soon. Lease ends at the end of May, I’ll be moved out beforehand. Oh, but wait. Today, I had to break down and completely destroy my door. I locked myself out of my bedroom. And it has some weird little pinhole lock that everyone said I could open with a bobby pin. Well, no. You were wrong. So, I took the doorknob off. but wait! The other side with the turning mechanism fell into my locked room. So I attempted for hand. For three duegwbv hours I attempted. Now my hands are bleeding, and my back hurts like hell. Call a locksmith? Sorry, it’s too late. And if they came now, it would cost a crap ton. So, keep trying. nothing worked. Nothing. The lock was just not coming out of the effing door.

I undid the doorknob on my roommates door. His lock is entirely different, so there’s no way to use it for reference. Upon seeing his room, I noticed that his door and wall are entirely scratched up and broken because of that upgwohihoghioh[irgwghirgw dog. I really really want to curse, but Max will get upset. So, I was pissed. Because who’s going to determine how much damage was mine or his in the security deposit?

So, I kept trying. Eventually I had no other choice than to kick the door. Now, I did try this a lot before, but I guess at this point I was so freaking angry that it worked. But now my door is literally split in half, with no way to close. So, I have to tape my door shut now, and who knows how much that will cost! Great summer plans? Gone. Everything. I swear, there has not been one good thing that has happened since coming here. I am thousands of dollars in debt, and about to be more so.

So, Tumblr. I will tell it to the world. I am not coming back to this place. Ever. I am leaving, and not returning. I’ve had it. I had enough back in October, and it’s gotten worse and worse.

I’m done. This is done. I’ll finish my semester, but I’m done..

Regarding my second week back

I noticed that I posted a first week back in Simi update last Tuesday, and since it is Tuesday again, I will post a second week back in Simi update now! That sentence really shouldn't have an exclamation point, because it's been pretty lame.

As I wrote yesterday, I still don't have a job. I called Petsmart yesterday, and they said to call today when the manager does new hire stuff. So I did, and was told that she was in a meeting and that she would call me back later. Well, that was almost five hours ago, and I haven't heard anything. I was supposed to have a second interview yesterday with Paint A Dream, but then some emergency happened with the regional manager, and it was postponed indefinitely. My first interview was last Wednesday. I also went to Macaroni Grill last Thursday in the hopes of being hired as a singer, since you know, I am a singer, and have studied classical Italian music for all of highschool and college. I told the manager that I was leaving in October, and she said that they don't hire summer hires. What part of working until the end of October is considered a summer hire?

Update:
I got hired at Petsmart, I go in to fill out paperwork on Thursday. That was silly. I don't feel like writing anymore. The end.

H.B.

A political post

My friend brought up this amazing point that I would like to speak about. Recently there was a controversy surrounding Fox Network, because some men were saying that the reason for the high divorce rates and economic distress in modern days, is due to the high number of women in the workforce, and as the primary breadwinners for their families.

The logic was, there is more divorce because the women should be at home taking care of the family, and because she isn’t, the men can’t handle it and they want a divorce.

Now, let’s look at rape culture. Common thought is that women ask to be raped because of how they dress or act, because the men are physiologically incapable of controlling themselves. I heard it all the time in church too regarding modesty. If you show too much cleavage or shoulder, the men won’t be able to focus on school, work, God, etc. and it will be your fault.

On the surface, it seems like women are getting the abuse, blame, scorn, etc. But really think about it. What are attitudes like this saying? That men are petty, immature, driven by biological urges, animalistic, and incapable of functioning as normal human beings on their own without the help of women.

Fox is essentially saying that men are not able to raise children, that they are too lazy, brutish, selfish to do so. And rape culture dictates that men are animals, that they cannot help but rape, and think about boobs all day and then fail school because of it.

From a woman’s standpoint, we’re all calling BS on stuff like this for being offensive and ridiculous. But men need to start calling BS on this too. Men are being labeled as animals, and creatures so petty that if a woman makes more money than he does, he has no choice but to bail out of the relationship.

Men, do you realize this? On the surface, the blame is to the women, but when you look deeper, it’s all really blaming you for being stupid. And guess what? You aren’t.

It’s time for men to stand up for themselves too.

H.B.

On how I have hardly any money but I'm excited for the future still

I told Max the amount of money I had yesterday, and although it wasn't scads, it was at least a good buffer. I realized today that I forgot about the 600 dollars of credit card debt that I have. I also forgot about how interest accrues when you don't pay the full amount that you owe every month . And then I remembered about all the student loans that I've been forgetting about.

How am I going to plan a wedding like this?!

Why don't I have a job yet??? I've had so many good interviews and good leads! I was asked to take a drug test, which is a really good sign, but I haven't heard anything! I had a second interview scheduled at Paint A Dream but it was rescheduled for a later time, and I could print out more applications if my computer which is hooked up to the printer had an internet connection! Then I had to spend more money on the ethernet cable!

For the first time, I really really need a job. Not for fun money, but because I have rent, and bills, and a bunch of crap to pay for. And also for the first time, I want a job. I want to work hard, and save up for my future family and life situation. I want to be self-reliant, and not depend on my hubby to bring home all the bacon on his own. I'm really good at managing money, it just hasn't been something I've had to worry about for almost a year because I've had student loan money coming in.

I'm really excited about the opportunities that may come with marriage though. I haven't had a terrible time getting financial aid, it's just been difficult getting the needed information from my parents. Also, I only have one year of experience at a 4-year where financial aid was really important. Nevertheless, I am very excited to have only mine and Max's incomes to report. He will definitely be helped out by a marriage, he doesn't qualify for any financial aid right now. And there are scholarships and grants specifically for married students in college (so I've heard).

Let's turn this into a positive. I have limited funds for now, until I get a job. I do have a paycheck to put in the bank, and a security deposit on the way. I will pay off my credit card and be clean and free from that. And then everything I make will be spent carefully and budgeted towards home and marriage. And then I will ride Max's tail on his purchases, and make sure he doesn't buy silly 200 dollar things because they make "good investments".

H.B.