Regarding the Summer Solstice!

I am sitting in my new apartment. I say that half-heartedly, because right now I don't live here. I helped Max move in to Summer Meadows, which originally I was going to move into as well right when he moved in, because we were supposed  to be married by now. Instead, we aren't even engaged. More on that later.

It's kind of disheartening actually, because I'm here in this gorgeous place with the man I love, and I can't live here due to some moral obligations that have already been broken, so really it comes down to the facade of moral obligations. And that's just a ridiculous thing to stand in the way of me being here starting my life. However, being engaged might help a great deal. Being engaged would yield a wedding date, and that would yield a specific time to be in exile instead of "living in sin" indefinitely. But again, the whole thing is stupid.

My favorite quote in The Great Gatsby (which was left out of the movie!) is when Daisy Buchanan says, "In two weeks it'll be the longest day in the year. Do you always watch for the longest day of the year and then miss it? I always watch for the longest day in the year and then miss it."It's always been one of my favorite quotes. I love the solstices and equinoxes. When I was little, summer was just when school ended, and winter was Christmas. But there is order to the year, there is a definite period of 3 months for each season, and one day longer than any other, which is the beginning of summer.

Apparently this year the solstice was a little bit different. The summer solstice started at around 1am on June 21st on the East Coast, but because I am on the West Coast, the summer solstice here actually started around 10pm last night on the 20th. So when I googled the summer solstice after hearing about it on the radio, I thought I had missed it, like Daisy always does. However, it still technically ends today. And that's good news for me, because yesterday was spent entirely on moving and cleaning, not very summery.

But today, Max is playing a show at a coffee shop, and then he has agreed to go in the jacuzzi with me afterwards in the apartment's jacuzzi, which is right next to our apartment! And then maybe watch 500 Days of Summer? And tomorrow, we're headed to Long Beach to pick up the rest of my furniture, but maybe I can convince him to get some ice cream somewhere since we'll be in a beach town.

And with all the dreams I've had about being proposed to, I swear, I'd better be engaged before I leave Riverside on Sunday. I had a dream that I turned down Neil Patrick Harris' marriage proposal because I loved Max. I mean, come on. Even in my dreams I picked Max. So he'd better do something about it, or Neil is getting a second chance.

-H.B.

Regarding a horrible billboard

On the way to Riverside there is a billboard for a strip club/ gentleman’s bar featuring a “sexy nurse” with a needle. The billboard says “The cure for the common marriage.”

So according to the general public, heterosexual marriage is so awful that men have no choice but to go look at other naked women to get their minds off of their wives. That’s America’s view of marriage? Some people would give anything to marry the person that they love, who would actually respect them and treat them with decency, and we won’t let them?

This is why I support marriage equality.

Everything I dislike about LDS boys can be summarized in three experiences

1. In the LDS culture, young men and young women are discouraged from dating until they are 16. I met a boy in Seminary when I was 15, and he would hold my hand, go to dances with me, and kiss me everyday before he left. Then one day, he decided that he liked another girl, and had no idea why I was so upset when he wasn't acting the same way to me. He said "Why are you upset? We weren't dating!" And then on April 1st he told me, "I love you. April Fools!"
2. I was friends with a boy. I hardly knew him at all. He asked me to Mormon Prom by coming to my house in the middle of the night and leaving a DVD on the porch with a recording of him playing his guitar and asking me to Mormon Prom. Then when I said no because I was dating someone else, he was angry for me "leading him on".
3. I was actually legitimately dating this guy. He was two years older than me, and had an addiction that prevented him from going on his mission. We went bowling with our choir. I had a tank top on with a sweater over it. It was very hot, and I took my sweater off. He responded with "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" And demanded that I put my sweater back on, because I had exposed my shoulders.

Needless to say, I'm a little bit turned off.

Regarding the deepest desires of my soul and how I would waste away watching the Mirror of Erised

It's a very dangerous thing to put the deepest desires of your heart on someone else's shoulders. When what you want is attainable by you alone, life is a lot less disappointing. And the worst part is when you have no control over what the deepest desires of your heart are, and they happen to be entirely up to someone else to fulfil. And literally all that you can do about anything is just sit there and wait.

I hate not being in control of things that directly affect me.

Regarding Sundays and the like

Growing up, I think I got a really bad impression of what "keeping the Sabbath day Holy" meant, and because of it I started to hate Sunday because it was boring. I felt like the only things I was allowed to do were go to church, read scriptures, watch conference, and sit quietly. And then I grew up, and realized that all these members of my same church spent time with their friends, went to the beach to have picnics, and genuinely enjoyed the Sabbath.

I guess it was because of my family, which has greatly influenced the way I feel about the gospel, and the decisions that I have made in my life. My Mother was always very active, and my Father was not active, and not a good person at all. He was not the example of the Priesthood that my Mother expected him to be. I didn't really have an opinion, I had nothing to compare him to, other than the fact that other kids I went to church with were happy and loved their families, and I didn't.

Dealing with that dichotomy of interests, I ended up this way. I have a strong and unshakeable testimony that the gospel is true, and I am willfully disobeying it. I guess I really did turn out like my Father. And in a lot of ways, that's so much harder to deal with than being inactive because you don't believe in the church or care about it. I've basically lived torturing myself for years. 

And my prime example would be Max. I don't believe in only dating members of the church, because I've never had any good experiences with them, and we just aren't compatible. I've often felt that I am too Mormon for non-Mormons, but too "rebellious" for the Mormons. And my soulmate was found in the form of a non-member who had my same moral values, but no strong religious beliefs. And then he joined the church. And honestly, what could I expect from the way that I am but to turn him off to it and become inactive myself?

I talked about this a couple weeks ago, that I have so much faith in him that he, and I, will both get there. At the beginning of the year he didn't want to get married until he finished school, and yet after one night of talking about it he changed his mind. God has worked wonders in that man, and I know that He will work so many more. I've felt it so many times, and I've seen it in his change of heart towards the church, and now towards marriage while he's still in school. Last year he couldn't even date me because school was too demanding.

But regardless of what my previous opinions are about Sunday, I have always viewed them as a new start. If I've failed my goals, or done things that I've felt bad about, Sunday always comes with another chance to live one week clean and good. And that's definitely something that I want to start in my new home with Max. I want to make goals for the week, for us personally, career/ school wise, spiritually and as a couple.

So, my goals for this week:

Personal: Go through my school stuff from the past year and assemble it nicely. Also catch up on my journal.

Work: Learn about small animal care before going into work on Tuesday, so I at least know basic care facts for the animals I'm in charge of.

Financial: Don't spend money on anything unnecessary, sell a textbook, pay tithing.

Spiritually: Read scriptures and pray everyday.

Physical: Exercise with the cardio videos everyday this week, and go on a few walks. Eat more vegetables, and drink water.

With Max: Don't bug him about getting engaged.

I think they're pretty reasonable. :)

H.B.

An old post that I found, that I think bears a lot of significance to my previous life in LB. Originally written on Tumblr April 25, 2013.

It's time for a story.

I just really need to do this, okay?
So, since moving to Long Beach, I have been in hell. More or less, my life has never been worse. I live in a nice apartment. Granted, it better be nice for how effing much I pay for it. So. It’s been 10 months. I will be here for a little more than 2 weeks.

All this time I have cleaned and bought cleaning products, and kept this place perfect. And then my roommate decides to let his girlfriend live here. And that’s even okay, even her breaking my dishes and leaving weird crap everywhere, is okay. But they have a dog. The dog used to live with her, now it’s here. Let’s be clear here. I do not like dogs in my home. There is fur everywhere. The apartment smells disgusting. Did I say it was okay to have an animal in my apartment, who gets so much fur on the couches that I can’t sit on them? I can’t even leave my room because the living room where the dog is 24/7 is just. not okay.

So fine. It’s ending soon. Lease ends at the end of May, I’ll be moved out beforehand. Oh, but wait. Today, I had to break down and completely destroy my door. I locked myself out of my bedroom. And it has some weird little pinhole lock that everyone said I could open with a bobby pin. Well, no. You were wrong. So, I took the doorknob off. but wait! The other side with the turning mechanism fell into my locked room. So I attempted for hand. For three duegwbv hours I attempted. Now my hands are bleeding, and my back hurts like hell. Call a locksmith? Sorry, it’s too late. And if they came now, it would cost a crap ton. So, keep trying. nothing worked. Nothing. The lock was just not coming out of the effing door.

I undid the doorknob on my roommates door. His lock is entirely different, so there’s no way to use it for reference. Upon seeing his room, I noticed that his door and wall are entirely scratched up and broken because of that upgwohihoghioh[irgwghirgw dog. I really really want to curse, but Max will get upset. So, I was pissed. Because who’s going to determine how much damage was mine or his in the security deposit?

So, I kept trying. Eventually I had no other choice than to kick the door. Now, I did try this a lot before, but I guess at this point I was so freaking angry that it worked. But now my door is literally split in half, with no way to close. So, I have to tape my door shut now, and who knows how much that will cost! Great summer plans? Gone. Everything. I swear, there has not been one good thing that has happened since coming here. I am thousands of dollars in debt, and about to be more so.

So, Tumblr. I will tell it to the world. I am not coming back to this place. Ever. I am leaving, and not returning. I’ve had it. I had enough back in October, and it’s gotten worse and worse.

I’m done. This is done. I’ll finish my semester, but I’m done..

Regarding my second week back

I noticed that I posted a first week back in Simi update last Tuesday, and since it is Tuesday again, I will post a second week back in Simi update now! That sentence really shouldn't have an exclamation point, because it's been pretty lame.

As I wrote yesterday, I still don't have a job. I called Petsmart yesterday, and they said to call today when the manager does new hire stuff. So I did, and was told that she was in a meeting and that she would call me back later. Well, that was almost five hours ago, and I haven't heard anything. I was supposed to have a second interview yesterday with Paint A Dream, but then some emergency happened with the regional manager, and it was postponed indefinitely. My first interview was last Wednesday. I also went to Macaroni Grill last Thursday in the hopes of being hired as a singer, since you know, I am a singer, and have studied classical Italian music for all of highschool and college. I told the manager that I was leaving in October, and she said that they don't hire summer hires. What part of working until the end of October is considered a summer hire?

Update:
I got hired at Petsmart, I go in to fill out paperwork on Thursday. That was silly. I don't feel like writing anymore. The end.

H.B.