I think the last time I went to church was sometime in October. And it was really only because I thought that everything I knew was gone, so I had to start over. And then as soon as my old life came back, I stopped going again.
It's weird to think about really. I've always had a testimony, and it hasn't diminished despite being gone from church for months. I know a lot of people leave because they don't believe anymore, or find fault in organized religion. For me, I just feel guilty when I go. The life I have now is one that I chose, and one that I've accepted. However, having accepted that kind of life which is contrary to the church's teachings, and not wanting to change it just makes me feel out of place in a group of people who are actively trying to live the teachings. I don't want to fix my mistakes, I want to continue my mistakes until they are no longer mistakes.
Every week I have dreaded Sunday. I have woken up with a knot in my stomach and tried to figure out an excuse to get out of going. Often I have slept until 1pm or later to simply avoid thinking about it. Even up to last night I was dreading today. Today is the first Sunday where I am officially moved back home. All school year my Mom has acted mildly annoyed about me not going to church, but hasn't had a lot of pull in making me, since I've been away at school. I was really hoping
this would continue, but she took the first chance she got to essentially threaten me about going to church, because "THAT'S WHERE HEAVENLY FATHER EXPECTS YOU TO BE." The last time I checked, that attitude does not work as a motivating tool.
So even though I was super angry last night, and expecting to have the same feeling as usual about church upon waking up, things turned out a little differently. I actually wanted to go to church, and completely of my own accord. I'm getting ready to go now, so I will update later!
Update
I'm so happy that I went to church. :) Really. The hardest part wasn't getting ready (I looked freaking hot today) or even driving there. It was the moment from getting out of the car and walking up to the door. In that moment I was still able to bail out, and overcoming that desire was the most challenging part of the day.
I think one of the biggest motivators in going was seeing a friend that got back from his mission a few months ago. He's been calling me asking when I'd be back from school because he wanted to see me. So I told him I'd come to church and asked if he would be my sitting buddy. R.S. was okay, no one really seemed to be affected that I was there. It is always funny to me when they talk about how important is to visit the less actives, when I had been gone for months and no one had any idea that I hadn't been at church in all that time.
When R.S. was over, Nate came in to visit me before he left to another class, which I decided to go with him to. And then we sat together again in Sacrament, and made sassy comments about the speakers. Nothing mean, just that a woman was talking about a particularly trying time with her five kids running around the house, and Nate and I both said "Answer: Don't have five kids."
I saw a few other people that seemed genuinely happy to see me. My friend Leah, the Bishop, and a couple people who said that my dress was pretty or my hair looked nice. I talked to the Bishop's daughter, who is also a vocal performance major as a lyric soprano. Even a girl who I had definitely been in church with before came up to me and asked if I remembered her from the one year I went to Seminary.
On to Lessons Learned
I'm a firm believer in the power of prayer. I believe that any prayers spoken, with faith that they will be answered, will be answered eventually. I've been concerned for awhile now about my relationship. There's certain things that I want very badly in my future marriage and family, and I've been fairly concerned that things won't work out the way I hope. I've seen my Mom go through two failed marriages, so of course I'm more prone to worry about such things. I've also been struggling with my own shortcomings and life decisions, as previously mentioned.
My prayers and worries were addressed in church today. Two separate issues, answered two separate ways in two different meetings. Firstly, in Sunday School our lesson was on repentance. And someone actually posed the question "What if we have sinned, and don't feel sorrow?" And people had a few answers that didn't really seem too solid. Finally a girl said how it doesn't always come immediately for everyone, and for her feeling sorrow for something took literal years. It was a nice feeling, that I'm not alone. Others do things, and can't always repent immediately. Maybe for me it will take one, or five more years to understand. And that's okay.
And then in Sacrament my worries about Max were addressed with a talk from the new member of the Bishopric. He and his wife both talked. He was a convert at age 18, and later was able to take his wife to the temple to be married. Admittedly, that's something that isn't going to happen in my life, but that's not something I'm ashamed about. Anyway, he was saying how long it took him to learn the gospel, and that he still is working on gaining a testimony. And he used the quote "Line upon line, precept upon precept." He also said something that I have said so many times. That his wife saw the potential in him, that he didn't see in himself at the time. I have so much faith in Max, and I know that he will do everything he can to be a great man, husband, and father. I can't expect him to learn immediately, it could take his whole life. And again, that's okay.
H.B.
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