Reagarding sexism towards women, and how it's also sexism towards men

Let’s start with rape culture. The idea that women are responsible for their own rapes because of how they dress/ act/ where they are at a certain time is disgusting, and obviously ridiculous.

On the surface, it’s completely sexist towards women. But what’s it covering up? That men are incapable of controlling their own actions, and are no more intelligent, or able to make rational decisions than animals. Huh.

Let’s move on to that Kraft ad, and how it’s so controversial. If you aren’t familiar with it, Kraft has an ad that pictures a man naked except for a piece of a tablecloth covering his genitals. And people are up in arms about how risque it is. It’s weird, because media has been using naked women with only their nipples and parts of their genitals covered with their hands or a tiny piece of fabric to sell products for decades. Has there ever been a big fuss about that? Not really.

On the surface, completely sexist towards women. But what’s the deeper truth behind the controversy? That people as a whole are so disgusted with naked men that they can’t bear to see them shown on television commercials. That a naked man is a danger and threat to their children and home, but naked women are exempt. Further than that, men in Speedos are generally “gross", but women in bikinis are celebrated. Women’s breasts are shown in PG-13 movies, but male nudity is always NC-17.

And lastly, the concept of virginity in cultures where virginity is a key factor in whether or not a woman is considered “marriageable". If a woman is a virgin, she’s good. But if a woman has been touched by another man, she is considered “tainted" and not fit for marriage. Why is she tainted? Because something dirty touched her. I mean come on.

I think guys are great. I’m engaged to a great one. And anything in culture that even hints at the fact that his gender is incapable of making decisions above that of an animal’s, disgusting, or shameful really upsets me. Girls, it should upset you too. And men, it should really upset you. You’re not even being openly discriminated against, it’s all underneath the surface.

Regarding that weird dream I had involving Sherlock Holmes and a bunch of other crap

I tend to have dreams about being romantically involved with fictional characters, or celebrities/ friends/ ex-boyfriends who are disguised as fictional characters , but Max is usually either around or I'm still engaged to him (or at least with him) in the back of my mind, and that's nice. Like last week I had a dream that NPH proposed to me and I turned him down because I loved Max. And this was after Nikelson who was a giant slug monster also tried to propose to me, but I'd like to pretend that that didn't happen.

I love my dreams. I stay asleep so long because of them. Actually, in my dream last night, Sherlock Holmes and I were explaining dreams to another girl, in which he used this projector to simulate how much more real things became in various levels of dreaming. And I told the girl that I liked to sleep in late because once you wake up and then go back to sleep, you have more dreams that you can remember. Even in my dreams I'm lazy and sleep way too long.

And then I teased Sherlock for forgetting to pack a blanket, but he wasn't really Sherlock Holmes at that point, he was Sherlock as one of my exes, and then we went in a time machine that he built back to the Classical Era somewhere in Europe, but then Sherlock wasn't even around anymore and I was just with 2 other women that I don't know at all. I knew who they were there though...

Something about people who posed as mannequins, something about experiencing the Classical Era in a huge courtyard in front of a mansion which I guess was City Hall or something where a man who was literally Mr. Burns from the Simpsons was saying something and knew who we were and we had to hide/ run away from him. And then it was only me and one other girl, and we were sword fighting through crowds of people and soldiers to get back to our time machine area, and on the way Nick was there and we waved at each other... And I had a conversation with the girl about "Max and I swordfight all the time, so this is easy. And I'm sure you and Sherlock do too." Psh girl stole Sherlock somehow.

And then we got there but had no more time machine crystals, but this random man gave us some and we got back just in time to escape the people chasing us. And then something happened and we went back to the courtyard this time with Sherlock I think, and I asked something about the blonde girl with the pointy nose (who was a mannequin earlier on) and Sherlock said something about "Well she's my niece" so I actually think that the girl who I thought stole Sherlock was really his niece?

And then once we got to the courtyard, the evil Mr. Burns guy passed a law about something that everyone booed (which I can only assume is linked to the modern events of gay marriage/ abortion bills being heavily debated) and then all these people got up, who were all dressed in various flotation devices and swimsuits, and started chanting something about how they opposed was had just happened, got into this giant river that wound throughout the city, and just swam around the river dressed up as seahorses and unicorns. One girl had a motorized propeller under her dragon tail? I zoomed in on it in the dream, so it must have been important.

Somehow I got home, and everyone was just in bed sleeping naked. I have no idea who they were though. I just go home and everyone's sleeping naked? There was one guy that I was all happy about seeing, but I don't know who he was. Was he Max? I think he was white. I don't think he was anyone. I think he was some generic white man.

I think there was another dream, but I can't remember if it was connected to this one. It was something about my old high school friend Lucas giving away these new music devices which were just called "P". And he asked if I wanted one for free because we were either in a band together, or had designed them, but I said they were stupid looking (so I hope I didn't design them) so I didn't want one.

And then everyone threw a huge party in my bedroom, and Lucas ended up giving the last one to this Genevieve (who was his in real life his girlfriend in high school for years), and I was really jealous. Because suddenly I wanted a "P". And then this other jerk Chris Conway was like "Well yeah, she's prettier than you." And I ran back in the room and demanded a "P" but instead everyone was packing everything up and then Sherlock Holmes was there building a time machine?

I think that's what happened. But somewhere along the lines Alex was there, or maybe I just found a picture of Alex? I don't know. All I know is that when Sherlock was there he was RDJ Sherlock and he was hot. Except when we first built the time machine and got in it, he was Benedict Cumberbatch. Actually he might have been a mix the whole time.

Regarding my ENGAGEMENT

Sunday night.

Max comes home from "getting the rest of the stuff in his old apartment" and proceeds to make dinner, while I am told to stay in the bedroom, and not peek. So I stayed nicely in my room, knowing what was coming, but not knowing how I would react. I was playing Candy Crush on my laptop.

"Baby, you can come out now!" I jokingly yelled "Can I finish my game first?" But Max didn't hear me (which I'm glad of). He had put a blanket over the shutter doors so I couldn't look through the cracks. So I took off the blankets and opened the doors.

Leading from the doors to Max was a trail of rose petals which went through to the living room to the dining room area where Max was standing. He had put on a sweater and black blazer and was standing next to our dining room table, which had candles lit in candle holders, a bouquet in the middle, and dinner set up.

I just cried the whole time.

I walked to him and he told me this wonderful and adorably rehearsed speech about our lives, and how we were able to still have fun even when doing something hard like moving everything into a new place. He said that we had already taken one step in our lives by getting an apartment together, and he wanted to start another journey which began with the question "Will you marry me?"

Like I said, I just cried. I didn't even know if I had said "Yes" or just made a sound.

He put on my ring, and the wedding band that went with it, because he wanted to see how it looked. The little sass remembered that I had said I wanted a bridal set. And then after lots of hugs and kisses, Max said to smile for the camera, which he had set up to record the whole thing. And then I got all embarrassed and went to turn it off. But he said "She said yes!" into the camera, and I started laughing. So the video ends nicely.

Oh, and the whole time "If It's the Beaches" was playing in the background. Because something about the lines "If it's the beaches sands you want then you will have them, if it's the mountains rolling rivers you will have them." and "I will rearrange my plans and change for you." kind of really mean a lot for me. I've rearranged a lot of my life to be with the man I love more than anything. And I really believe that he'd give me the mountains rolling rivers if he could.

And then we ate dinner. I nabbed a good man. Filet mignon, biscuits, baked potatoes, and salad. The only thing he forgot was the cups for water, which he said he forgot from being nervous. I asked him why he was nervous since he knew I'd say yes, and he said he just wanted to make everything perfect and memorable and was worried about messing something up. (He didn't.)

He told me stories about ring shopping with his family, and how he knew that my ring was the ring when he saw it. And I swear, I just cried the entire time.

We tried to take some pictures, but my make-up was running down my face, and I look kind of silly. I do have some that I took on my phone of some of the things that he set up. Here's my ring:

Here's the rose petal trail leading to the table:

Here's me crying next to the table:

Here's the table set up (after we had let the candles burn down). Max even put rose petals on the chairs and table around the food.

And this is what the kitchen looked like after dinner and preparing everything. Max was saying how you never see the clean-up part of the proposal in movies or anything.

And here's us! (I edited my smudged make-up out of the picture hahaha)

Max and Holly, engaged June 23, 2013

Regarding the day I figured everything out

It's a sad day when you realize that your parents aren't the shining beacons of knowledge and life experience that you thought they were. It's even more sad when your one parent was such a monumental disappointment, that your other parent became God to you. And then once you grow up, live on your own, and come back home, you realize that your God parent is just as screwed up as the other one.

My Mother is the most pessimistic and disheartening person I have ever met, besides her brother. Her attitude is that everything bad that happens is a conspiracy towards her alone. That no bad happens to others, and that in any situation where something bad can happen, it will. And my whole life I was scolded for complaining about this or that because "I had it so good." Yeah, I do. But I was a little kid, and I wanted a video game system. Hey Mom, you own your own house after a divorce. A house that's paid off, a house that is entirely yours to live in or sell at a pretty good chunk of money. And even with all of that, you're jealous of me getting married because I get to leave? Newsflash: Just because you're stuck in the Simi Valley black hole, doesn't mean you can't leave if you really wanted to.

My whole life I've been her only outlet to complain to about my father, about her parents, about money, about etc. And now I finally opened my eyes to the fact that really, this situation isn't any different from anyone else's. Men are bad husbands all the time. Men are bad Fathers all the time. Why are we so different? Oh right, because we're a part of the Church where everything is supposed to be perfect and harmonious and lovely, and then when real life comes and it's not, it's all a big conspiracy theory towards you alone.

Max's family is incredible. Max's family actually treats him like an adult, and is supportive of his decisions. My Mom still uses the "You're the child" card, and literally stormed out of the house when I told her that I knew more about drug users than she did. Bigger Newsflash: I have experienced so much more than you have, simply because I have allowed myself to. You admit to growing up "under a rock", and yet you're offended when I say that I know more about drug users, homosexuals, and *gasp* people who have sex before marriage than you do? (My Mom still thinks that people with tattoos are criminals.)

I really cannot live here for much longer. This place that used to be so comforting when I was away at school in a place I hated, has become poison. Through the divorce, my Mom had been so worried about "having a place for me to come home to", never thinking that maybe I didn't want to come home for an indefinite amount of time. My fiance has an apartment, that he's living in alone. An apartment that I want desperately to be in with him as we plan our wedding.

My Mom's response to my half-joking attempt at breaking the news about moving in with Max? "Oh you want to go live in sin?" And today she gave me a talk about "Certain marital activities" Because God forbid that I can make my own decisions and have to make a choice that will ultimately lead to a happy marriage and life? Or maybe it would just kill you to have your parents find out that I'm actually a heretic. Because regardless of every good decision I've made in my life, and the kind of person that I am, moving in with Max would entirely negate everything and make me evil.

So what do I do? I'm stuck here until I can get up the nerve to say "Hey everyone who loves me and thinks so highly of me, I'm an adult, so I'm making this decision which will ostracize me from everyone." (This is just one half of my family, too. My other half of the family already hates me for doing absolutely nothing.) My other option is to live in misery and try to plan a wedding with my fiance 2 hours away, and having to continuously deal with my Mom being crazy and my Dad being legitimately insane.

Regarding the Summer Solstice!

I am sitting in my new apartment. I say that half-heartedly, because right now I don't live here. I helped Max move in to Summer Meadows, which originally I was going to move into as well right when he moved in, because we were supposed  to be married by now. Instead, we aren't even engaged. More on that later.

It's kind of disheartening actually, because I'm here in this gorgeous place with the man I love, and I can't live here due to some moral obligations that have already been broken, so really it comes down to the facade of moral obligations. And that's just a ridiculous thing to stand in the way of me being here starting my life. However, being engaged might help a great deal. Being engaged would yield a wedding date, and that would yield a specific time to be in exile instead of "living in sin" indefinitely. But again, the whole thing is stupid.

My favorite quote in The Great Gatsby (which was left out of the movie!) is when Daisy Buchanan says, "In two weeks it'll be the longest day in the year. Do you always watch for the longest day of the year and then miss it? I always watch for the longest day in the year and then miss it."It's always been one of my favorite quotes. I love the solstices and equinoxes. When I was little, summer was just when school ended, and winter was Christmas. But there is order to the year, there is a definite period of 3 months for each season, and one day longer than any other, which is the beginning of summer.

Apparently this year the solstice was a little bit different. The summer solstice started at around 1am on June 21st on the East Coast, but because I am on the West Coast, the summer solstice here actually started around 10pm last night on the 20th. So when I googled the summer solstice after hearing about it on the radio, I thought I had missed it, like Daisy always does. However, it still technically ends today. And that's good news for me, because yesterday was spent entirely on moving and cleaning, not very summery.

But today, Max is playing a show at a coffee shop, and then he has agreed to go in the jacuzzi with me afterwards in the apartment's jacuzzi, which is right next to our apartment! And then maybe watch 500 Days of Summer? And tomorrow, we're headed to Long Beach to pick up the rest of my furniture, but maybe I can convince him to get some ice cream somewhere since we'll be in a beach town.

And with all the dreams I've had about being proposed to, I swear, I'd better be engaged before I leave Riverside on Sunday. I had a dream that I turned down Neil Patrick Harris' marriage proposal because I loved Max. I mean, come on. Even in my dreams I picked Max. So he'd better do something about it, or Neil is getting a second chance.

-H.B.

Regarding a horrible billboard

On the way to Riverside there is a billboard for a strip club/ gentleman’s bar featuring a “sexy nurse” with a needle. The billboard says “The cure for the common marriage.”

So according to the general public, heterosexual marriage is so awful that men have no choice but to go look at other naked women to get their minds off of their wives. That’s America’s view of marriage? Some people would give anything to marry the person that they love, who would actually respect them and treat them with decency, and we won’t let them?

This is why I support marriage equality.

Everything I dislike about LDS boys can be summarized in three experiences

1. In the LDS culture, young men and young women are discouraged from dating until they are 16. I met a boy in Seminary when I was 15, and he would hold my hand, go to dances with me, and kiss me everyday before he left. Then one day, he decided that he liked another girl, and had no idea why I was so upset when he wasn't acting the same way to me. He said "Why are you upset? We weren't dating!" And then on April 1st he told me, "I love you. April Fools!"
2. I was friends with a boy. I hardly knew him at all. He asked me to Mormon Prom by coming to my house in the middle of the night and leaving a DVD on the porch with a recording of him playing his guitar and asking me to Mormon Prom. Then when I said no because I was dating someone else, he was angry for me "leading him on".
3. I was actually legitimately dating this guy. He was two years older than me, and had an addiction that prevented him from going on his mission. We went bowling with our choir. I had a tank top on with a sweater over it. It was very hot, and I took my sweater off. He responded with "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" And demanded that I put my sweater back on, because I had exposed my shoulders.

Needless to say, I'm a little bit turned off.

Regarding the deepest desires of my soul and how I would waste away watching the Mirror of Erised

It's a very dangerous thing to put the deepest desires of your heart on someone else's shoulders. When what you want is attainable by you alone, life is a lot less disappointing. And the worst part is when you have no control over what the deepest desires of your heart are, and they happen to be entirely up to someone else to fulfil. And literally all that you can do about anything is just sit there and wait.

I hate not being in control of things that directly affect me.

Regarding Sundays and the like

Growing up, I think I got a really bad impression of what "keeping the Sabbath day Holy" meant, and because of it I started to hate Sunday because it was boring. I felt like the only things I was allowed to do were go to church, read scriptures, watch conference, and sit quietly. And then I grew up, and realized that all these members of my same church spent time with their friends, went to the beach to have picnics, and genuinely enjoyed the Sabbath.

I guess it was because of my family, which has greatly influenced the way I feel about the gospel, and the decisions that I have made in my life. My Mother was always very active, and my Father was not active, and not a good person at all. He was not the example of the Priesthood that my Mother expected him to be. I didn't really have an opinion, I had nothing to compare him to, other than the fact that other kids I went to church with were happy and loved their families, and I didn't.

Dealing with that dichotomy of interests, I ended up this way. I have a strong and unshakeable testimony that the gospel is true, and I am willfully disobeying it. I guess I really did turn out like my Father. And in a lot of ways, that's so much harder to deal with than being inactive because you don't believe in the church or care about it. I've basically lived torturing myself for years. 

And my prime example would be Max. I don't believe in only dating members of the church, because I've never had any good experiences with them, and we just aren't compatible. I've often felt that I am too Mormon for non-Mormons, but too "rebellious" for the Mormons. And my soulmate was found in the form of a non-member who had my same moral values, but no strong religious beliefs. And then he joined the church. And honestly, what could I expect from the way that I am but to turn him off to it and become inactive myself?

I talked about this a couple weeks ago, that I have so much faith in him that he, and I, will both get there. At the beginning of the year he didn't want to get married until he finished school, and yet after one night of talking about it he changed his mind. God has worked wonders in that man, and I know that He will work so many more. I've felt it so many times, and I've seen it in his change of heart towards the church, and now towards marriage while he's still in school. Last year he couldn't even date me because school was too demanding.

But regardless of what my previous opinions are about Sunday, I have always viewed them as a new start. If I've failed my goals, or done things that I've felt bad about, Sunday always comes with another chance to live one week clean and good. And that's definitely something that I want to start in my new home with Max. I want to make goals for the week, for us personally, career/ school wise, spiritually and as a couple.

So, my goals for this week:

Personal: Go through my school stuff from the past year and assemble it nicely. Also catch up on my journal.

Work: Learn about small animal care before going into work on Tuesday, so I at least know basic care facts for the animals I'm in charge of.

Financial: Don't spend money on anything unnecessary, sell a textbook, pay tithing.

Spiritually: Read scriptures and pray everyday.

Physical: Exercise with the cardio videos everyday this week, and go on a few walks. Eat more vegetables, and drink water.

With Max: Don't bug him about getting engaged.

I think they're pretty reasonable. :)

H.B.

An old post that I found, that I think bears a lot of significance to my previous life in LB. Originally written on Tumblr April 25, 2013.

It's time for a story.

I just really need to do this, okay?
So, since moving to Long Beach, I have been in hell. More or less, my life has never been worse. I live in a nice apartment. Granted, it better be nice for how effing much I pay for it. So. It’s been 10 months. I will be here for a little more than 2 weeks.

All this time I have cleaned and bought cleaning products, and kept this place perfect. And then my roommate decides to let his girlfriend live here. And that’s even okay, even her breaking my dishes and leaving weird crap everywhere, is okay. But they have a dog. The dog used to live with her, now it’s here. Let’s be clear here. I do not like dogs in my home. There is fur everywhere. The apartment smells disgusting. Did I say it was okay to have an animal in my apartment, who gets so much fur on the couches that I can’t sit on them? I can’t even leave my room because the living room where the dog is 24/7 is just. not okay.

So fine. It’s ending soon. Lease ends at the end of May, I’ll be moved out beforehand. Oh, but wait. Today, I had to break down and completely destroy my door. I locked myself out of my bedroom. And it has some weird little pinhole lock that everyone said I could open with a bobby pin. Well, no. You were wrong. So, I took the doorknob off. but wait! The other side with the turning mechanism fell into my locked room. So I attempted for hand. For three duegwbv hours I attempted. Now my hands are bleeding, and my back hurts like hell. Call a locksmith? Sorry, it’s too late. And if they came now, it would cost a crap ton. So, keep trying. nothing worked. Nothing. The lock was just not coming out of the effing door.

I undid the doorknob on my roommates door. His lock is entirely different, so there’s no way to use it for reference. Upon seeing his room, I noticed that his door and wall are entirely scratched up and broken because of that upgwohihoghioh[irgwghirgw dog. I really really want to curse, but Max will get upset. So, I was pissed. Because who’s going to determine how much damage was mine or his in the security deposit?

So, I kept trying. Eventually I had no other choice than to kick the door. Now, I did try this a lot before, but I guess at this point I was so freaking angry that it worked. But now my door is literally split in half, with no way to close. So, I have to tape my door shut now, and who knows how much that will cost! Great summer plans? Gone. Everything. I swear, there has not been one good thing that has happened since coming here. I am thousands of dollars in debt, and about to be more so.

So, Tumblr. I will tell it to the world. I am not coming back to this place. Ever. I am leaving, and not returning. I’ve had it. I had enough back in October, and it’s gotten worse and worse.

I’m done. This is done. I’ll finish my semester, but I’m done..

Regarding my second week back

I noticed that I posted a first week back in Simi update last Tuesday, and since it is Tuesday again, I will post a second week back in Simi update now! That sentence really shouldn't have an exclamation point, because it's been pretty lame.

As I wrote yesterday, I still don't have a job. I called Petsmart yesterday, and they said to call today when the manager does new hire stuff. So I did, and was told that she was in a meeting and that she would call me back later. Well, that was almost five hours ago, and I haven't heard anything. I was supposed to have a second interview yesterday with Paint A Dream, but then some emergency happened with the regional manager, and it was postponed indefinitely. My first interview was last Wednesday. I also went to Macaroni Grill last Thursday in the hopes of being hired as a singer, since you know, I am a singer, and have studied classical Italian music for all of highschool and college. I told the manager that I was leaving in October, and she said that they don't hire summer hires. What part of working until the end of October is considered a summer hire?

Update:
I got hired at Petsmart, I go in to fill out paperwork on Thursday. That was silly. I don't feel like writing anymore. The end.

H.B.

A political post

My friend brought up this amazing point that I would like to speak about. Recently there was a controversy surrounding Fox Network, because some men were saying that the reason for the high divorce rates and economic distress in modern days, is due to the high number of women in the workforce, and as the primary breadwinners for their families.

The logic was, there is more divorce because the women should be at home taking care of the family, and because she isn’t, the men can’t handle it and they want a divorce.

Now, let’s look at rape culture. Common thought is that women ask to be raped because of how they dress or act, because the men are physiologically incapable of controlling themselves. I heard it all the time in church too regarding modesty. If you show too much cleavage or shoulder, the men won’t be able to focus on school, work, God, etc. and it will be your fault.

On the surface, it seems like women are getting the abuse, blame, scorn, etc. But really think about it. What are attitudes like this saying? That men are petty, immature, driven by biological urges, animalistic, and incapable of functioning as normal human beings on their own without the help of women.

Fox is essentially saying that men are not able to raise children, that they are too lazy, brutish, selfish to do so. And rape culture dictates that men are animals, that they cannot help but rape, and think about boobs all day and then fail school because of it.

From a woman’s standpoint, we’re all calling BS on stuff like this for being offensive and ridiculous. But men need to start calling BS on this too. Men are being labeled as animals, and creatures so petty that if a woman makes more money than he does, he has no choice but to bail out of the relationship.

Men, do you realize this? On the surface, the blame is to the women, but when you look deeper, it’s all really blaming you for being stupid. And guess what? You aren’t.

It’s time for men to stand up for themselves too.

H.B.

On how I have hardly any money but I'm excited for the future still

I told Max the amount of money I had yesterday, and although it wasn't scads, it was at least a good buffer. I realized today that I forgot about the 600 dollars of credit card debt that I have. I also forgot about how interest accrues when you don't pay the full amount that you owe every month . And then I remembered about all the student loans that I've been forgetting about.

How am I going to plan a wedding like this?!

Why don't I have a job yet??? I've had so many good interviews and good leads! I was asked to take a drug test, which is a really good sign, but I haven't heard anything! I had a second interview scheduled at Paint A Dream but it was rescheduled for a later time, and I could print out more applications if my computer which is hooked up to the printer had an internet connection! Then I had to spend more money on the ethernet cable!

For the first time, I really really need a job. Not for fun money, but because I have rent, and bills, and a bunch of crap to pay for. And also for the first time, I want a job. I want to work hard, and save up for my future family and life situation. I want to be self-reliant, and not depend on my hubby to bring home all the bacon on his own. I'm really good at managing money, it just hasn't been something I've had to worry about for almost a year because I've had student loan money coming in.

I'm really excited about the opportunities that may come with marriage though. I haven't had a terrible time getting financial aid, it's just been difficult getting the needed information from my parents. Also, I only have one year of experience at a 4-year where financial aid was really important. Nevertheless, I am very excited to have only mine and Max's incomes to report. He will definitely be helped out by a marriage, he doesn't qualify for any financial aid right now. And there are scholarships and grants specifically for married students in college (so I've heard).

Let's turn this into a positive. I have limited funds for now, until I get a job. I do have a paycheck to put in the bank, and a security deposit on the way. I will pay off my credit card and be clean and free from that. And then everything I make will be spent carefully and budgeted towards home and marriage. And then I will ride Max's tail on his purchases, and make sure he doesn't buy silly 200 dollar things because they make "good investments".

H.B.