It's a sad day when you realize that your parents aren't the shining beacons of knowledge and life experience that you thought they were. It's even more sad when your one parent was such a monumental disappointment, that your other parent became God to you. And then once you grow up, live on your own, and come back home, you realize that your God parent is just as screwed up as the other one.
My Mother is the most pessimistic and disheartening person I have ever met, besides her brother. Her attitude is that everything bad that happens is a conspiracy towards her alone. That no bad happens to others, and that in any situation where something bad can happen, it will. And my whole life I was scolded for complaining about this or that because "I had it so good." Yeah, I do. But I was a little kid, and I wanted a video game system. Hey Mom, you own your own house after a divorce. A house that's paid off, a house that is entirely yours to live in or sell at a pretty good chunk of money. And even with all of that, you're jealous of me getting married because I get to leave? Newsflash: Just because you're stuck in the Simi Valley black hole, doesn't mean you can't leave if you really wanted to.
My whole life I've been her only outlet to complain to about my father, about her parents, about money, about etc. And now I finally opened my eyes to the fact that really, this situation isn't any different from anyone else's. Men are bad husbands all the time. Men are bad Fathers all the time. Why are we so different? Oh right, because we're a part of the Church where everything is supposed to be perfect and harmonious and lovely, and then when real life comes and it's not, it's all a big conspiracy theory towards you alone.
Max's family is incredible. Max's family actually treats him like an adult, and is supportive of his decisions. My Mom still uses the "You're the child" card, and literally stormed out of the house when I told her that I knew more about drug users than she did. Bigger Newsflash: I have experienced so much more than you have, simply because I have allowed myself to. You admit to growing up "under a rock", and yet you're offended when I say that I know more about drug users, homosexuals, and *gasp* people who have sex before marriage than you do? (My Mom still thinks that people with tattoos are criminals.)
I really cannot live here for much longer. This place that used to be so comforting when I was away at school in a place I hated, has become poison. Through the divorce, my Mom had been so worried about "having a place for me to come home to", never thinking that maybe I didn't want to come home for an indefinite amount of time. My fiance has an apartment, that he's living in alone. An apartment that I want desperately to be in with him as we plan our wedding.
My Mom's response to my half-joking attempt at breaking the news about moving in with Max? "Oh you want to go live in sin?" And today she gave me a talk about "Certain marital activities" Because God forbid that I can make my own decisions and have to make a choice that will ultimately lead to a happy marriage and life? Or maybe it would just kill you to have your parents find out that I'm actually a heretic. Because regardless of every good decision I've made in my life, and the kind of person that I am, moving in with Max would entirely negate everything and make me evil.
So what do I do? I'm stuck here until I can get up the nerve to say "Hey everyone who loves me and thinks so highly of me, I'm an adult, so I'm making this decision which will ostracize me from everyone." (This is just one half of my family, too. My other half of the family already hates me for doing absolutely nothing.) My other option is to live in misery and try to plan a wedding with my fiance 2 hours away, and having to continuously deal with my Mom being crazy and my Dad being legitimately insane.
No comments:
Post a Comment